Just got the results back from the MRI. It wasn’t totally unexpected, but they found that there was a bit more diseased tissue than they thought and a couple more spots on the other side and that they may want to biopsy those spots to make sure. I told Dr. Hicks (the other doc at Dr. Gold’s office) that I planned on having a double mastectomy anyway. He sounded a little surprised and said in that case we may not have to biopsy that after all then. However, they also noticed that one of my lymph nodes were enlarged. They do want to biopsy that and they think they would like to start chemo prior to surgery if it comes back positive.
I’ve scheduled my lymph node biopsy for Thursday and I’m just waiting to hear if Dr. Gold wants to do one on the right side anyway. It’ll probably be done at the same time, if so. I’m going to put my two cents in that it would be unnecessary, but it wouldn’t be a bad idea if we ultrasound the nodes on the right, just to make sure it’s not spreading there too.
So, that’s where we’re at right now. More news to come, I’m sure....
Monday, April 18, 2011
Raves, Bowling & Karma
Friday, I went for my MRI. It was a pretty straightforward operation although it took a while longer than I expected. I was there for a little over two hours. The MRI itself only took about 20 minutes, but there was paperwork to be filled out, they had to figure out where they were going to put me, getting the IV for the dye in, and a lot of waiting in between. Good thing I’m a patient person! Hehe....
Once I was in the room, it was easy, peasey, lemon squeezy! They had me lie face down on top of a support, where there were two openings. Gee, I wonder what they were for? Yes, I had to put my rack in the rack. Only they wouldn’t fit in the first rack. No no no... They had to get the bigger rack... the MUCH BIGGER rack. I still had to adjust. I assumed the Superman pose.
Because I was facedown, my head was supported with a mirror underneath pointed at the window at the other open end of the tube. The problem is that the window had the shades drawn. Now, that’s awesome because I really wasn’t in the mood to be showing the world my goods in that awkward position. However, if they were trying to relieve a sense of claustrophobia, I’m not sure that was the best way to go about it. Luckily, I’m not severely claustrophobic.
I chose the “I’m relaxing and pretending.. a lot” route to getting my image done. The nurse gave me a pair of foam earplugs. They hooked up the IV and slid me into the tube. There was a breeze that went across the arm that had the IV in and a bit across my face. I think it made the experience a little easier. Because it cooled my arm, I don’t think I felt the fluids going in as cool as I would have otherwise. Feeling it across my face made the tube feel more open as well, not stuffy at all. The scan started and it was very rhythmic... very Techno or Trance. I imagined myself at a rave each time the pattern changed. In between the changes, I could doze a little. What a party! :^P It was over before I knew it.
I felt fine when I left the office. I even went home and cleaned a bit. But about 2 hours afterward, I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t throw up... just felt a lot of nausea. I laid down for about an hour and felt better after I rested for a bit. I’m thinking that I had a reaction to the dye. I’m going to have to mention that to the Doc.
On Saturday, I got to hang out with my Karate Family*. For those that don’t know me well yet, yes, I’m learning Tang Soo Do along with my husband & son. I’m currently a yellow belt. Through the school, we’ve met other fantastic families. They have been so kind and supportive through all of this. We like to hang out together a lot, so expect me to mention them often!
So, anyway, we went to Don Pablo’s for dinner. Gotta say, the margaritas & sangritas were marvelous! Afterward, we went bowling. (Expect a couple of pictures to show up in this post before long!) I managed to make it through two games before I got too tired. I’m not even going to repeat my scores. It was sad. But I had so much fun playing badly!
I did have a rough spot during the end of the evening. I went to the restroom, where I was followed by a group of girls, aged about 20-24, if I had to make a guess. They were being snotty, making disparaging & racial comments directed towards me. I suppose that they were trying to act big & bad in front of each other but they sure booked out of there before I got my hands washed. I blew it off at the time, thinking “it’s only words”. But hindsight being 20/20 and all, I kept replaying it in my head. Did I handle it right? If I had said something, would it have made a difference? Part of me wanted to yell, “How dare you?!? Don’t you know? You stupid little girls... I will be losing a part of myself! I will be pumped full of chemicals and irradiated! My children will watch their Mother fall and not be perfect or Superwoman in their eyes anymore!” at the girls who were long gone.
It was painful to have these thoughts. I cuddled with Aaron that night and cried and thought. I’ve come to the conclusion that even if I had said what I felt, even if it had an impact, I would have been doing harm. It may not have been immediate, but maturity & memory have a funny way of intertwining. It makes you remember all the dumb-ass things you say and do when you are younger. My saying something only would have scarred them. Doing harm because I got my feelings hurt does not make it right. Karma has a way of making things right and there’s a bigger power out there that will take care of things without me having to take a negative karmic ding.
On a happier note, we got to be lazy bums and watch the kids play today for a while. In the afternoon, we visited with other members of our Karate Family. Then, I had a nice long chat with my longest, bestest childhood friend & sister, Traci. We’ve been friends since third grade. It was so nice to hear her voice. She lives in North Carolina and she's hoping to come visit, along with another school friend, at the end of May. I wish she could stay with us, but it’s looking like I may have a houseful already. I miss her though.
I’m almost done reading another book. It’s called “Beauty Pearls for Chemo Girls” by Marybeth Maida and Debbie Kiederer. I was looking for a book to give me some tips on how to do my make-up once I go through chemotherapy. This book is so much more than that. It relates stories from survivors, tells you what to expect during a chemo session, what some of the side effects to chemo are and how to take care of them or what to ask your doctor to make it better. It’s a book worth holding onto for reference well after the first reading.
*Note to self: Make sure to get permission from friends & family before posting names and pictures. No, it hasn’t happened yet. Just covering my bases. :^P
Once I was in the room, it was easy, peasey, lemon squeezy! They had me lie face down on top of a support, where there were two openings. Gee, I wonder what they were for? Yes, I had to put my rack in the rack. Only they wouldn’t fit in the first rack. No no no... They had to get the bigger rack... the MUCH BIGGER rack. I still had to adjust. I assumed the Superman pose.
Because I was facedown, my head was supported with a mirror underneath pointed at the window at the other open end of the tube. The problem is that the window had the shades drawn. Now, that’s awesome because I really wasn’t in the mood to be showing the world my goods in that awkward position. However, if they were trying to relieve a sense of claustrophobia, I’m not sure that was the best way to go about it. Luckily, I’m not severely claustrophobic.
I chose the “I’m relaxing and pretending.. a lot” route to getting my image done. The nurse gave me a pair of foam earplugs. They hooked up the IV and slid me into the tube. There was a breeze that went across the arm that had the IV in and a bit across my face. I think it made the experience a little easier. Because it cooled my arm, I don’t think I felt the fluids going in as cool as I would have otherwise. Feeling it across my face made the tube feel more open as well, not stuffy at all. The scan started and it was very rhythmic... very Techno or Trance. I imagined myself at a rave each time the pattern changed. In between the changes, I could doze a little. What a party! :^P It was over before I knew it.
I felt fine when I left the office. I even went home and cleaned a bit. But about 2 hours afterward, I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t throw up... just felt a lot of nausea. I laid down for about an hour and felt better after I rested for a bit. I’m thinking that I had a reaction to the dye. I’m going to have to mention that to the Doc.
On Saturday, I got to hang out with my Karate Family*. For those that don’t know me well yet, yes, I’m learning Tang Soo Do along with my husband & son. I’m currently a yellow belt. Through the school, we’ve met other fantastic families. They have been so kind and supportive through all of this. We like to hang out together a lot, so expect me to mention them often!
So, anyway, we went to Don Pablo’s for dinner. Gotta say, the margaritas & sangritas were marvelous! Afterward, we went bowling. (Expect a couple of pictures to show up in this post before long!) I managed to make it through two games before I got too tired. I’m not even going to repeat my scores. It was sad. But I had so much fun playing badly!
I did have a rough spot during the end of the evening. I went to the restroom, where I was followed by a group of girls, aged about 20-24, if I had to make a guess. They were being snotty, making disparaging & racial comments directed towards me. I suppose that they were trying to act big & bad in front of each other but they sure booked out of there before I got my hands washed. I blew it off at the time, thinking “it’s only words”. But hindsight being 20/20 and all, I kept replaying it in my head. Did I handle it right? If I had said something, would it have made a difference? Part of me wanted to yell, “How dare you?!? Don’t you know? You stupid little girls... I will be losing a part of myself! I will be pumped full of chemicals and irradiated! My children will watch their Mother fall and not be perfect or Superwoman in their eyes anymore!” at the girls who were long gone.
It was painful to have these thoughts. I cuddled with Aaron that night and cried and thought. I’ve come to the conclusion that even if I had said what I felt, even if it had an impact, I would have been doing harm. It may not have been immediate, but maturity & memory have a funny way of intertwining. It makes you remember all the dumb-ass things you say and do when you are younger. My saying something only would have scarred them. Doing harm because I got my feelings hurt does not make it right. Karma has a way of making things right and there’s a bigger power out there that will take care of things without me having to take a negative karmic ding.
On a happier note, we got to be lazy bums and watch the kids play today for a while. In the afternoon, we visited with other members of our Karate Family. Then, I had a nice long chat with my longest, bestest childhood friend & sister, Traci. We’ve been friends since third grade. It was so nice to hear her voice. She lives in North Carolina and she's hoping to come visit, along with another school friend, at the end of May. I wish she could stay with us, but it’s looking like I may have a houseful already. I miss her though.
I’m almost done reading another book. It’s called “Beauty Pearls for Chemo Girls” by Marybeth Maida and Debbie Kiederer. I was looking for a book to give me some tips on how to do my make-up once I go through chemotherapy. This book is so much more than that. It relates stories from survivors, tells you what to expect during a chemo session, what some of the side effects to chemo are and how to take care of them or what to ask your doctor to make it better. It’s a book worth holding onto for reference well after the first reading.
*Note to self: Make sure to get permission from friends & family before posting names and pictures. No, it hasn’t happened yet. Just covering my bases. :^P
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Just wanted to post a quick note to say that I'm looking to get into the Amazon Affiliates program. I got to thinking that I will probably be mentioning a lot of books & products that are helping me through this.
I am NOT looking to make money off of this blog. However, I thought it would be a great opportunity to benefit cancer research. I promise that anything I earn here will go directly to the American Cancer Society. I'll know in the next couple of days if I've been accepted. :^D
(Edited to correct charity)
I am NOT looking to make money off of this blog. However, I thought it would be a great opportunity to benefit cancer research. I promise that anything I earn here will go directly to the American Cancer Society. I'll know in the next couple of days if I've been accepted. :^D
(Edited to correct charity)
First Oncologist visit...
So, I met my Oncologist for the first time yesterday. It was a very informational meeting. In fact, I’m still on information overload. It will take me a while to get it all sorted out, I think.
When I pulled in and parked, I noticed a woman standing outside the front door, smoking a cigarette. What special kind of stupid does that take? *rolls eyes* Anyway, Aaron met me in the parking lot and we went in together. I was happy that he came with me. I have no problems going to see doctors by myself, but it was comforting to have him with me at least for the first appointment.
There was an impatient lady who was complaining about the length of time she had been waiting for the doctor. She was older and there with the Smoking Woman. I didn’t say anything or pay her any mind. It’s my opinion that when you’re dealing with something as traumatic as cancer, you need to cut the doc some slack if she’s running behind. I’m pretty sure that she wasn’t back there painting her nails. If she’s running late because the patient she’s with is falling apart, it wouldn’t do for her to run off to the next appointment, right? At least, I wouldn’t want that to happen to me.
We did finally get called back and the exam room was in shades of purple and gold, very spa-like. I liked it. A young nurse came in who seemed to be in training. She took some of my info & put it into the computer, took my picture and my pulse. Next came the nurse, Jessica, who got right down to business. She started down the list of what I had, the treatments we were going to explore and what each entailed, and some of what was going to come after.
The type of cancer I have is Invasive Lobular Carcinoma which is in Stage 2 and is estrogen positive, progesterone positive, Human Epidermal growth factor Receptor 2 negative, nodal negative. Or to put it another way e+p+HER2/neu-nodal-. That is a lot to take in with a very short sentence! What this means is that this cancer likes to eat female hormones (estrogen and progesterone), that it does *not* have the gene that makes it overproduce quickly, and that it has not reached my lymph nodes yet.
As for treatment options, I had to take a spit test (using Scope!?!?) to check for certain genetic markers. It will take about two weeks for the results to come back. If it comes back positive, having the double mastectomy isn’t even a question, chemo & radiation will be a must, possible removal of my ovaries as well, and I’ll also have to help remind my kids to monitor for this when they grow up. They would be carriers. If it comes back negative, it opens up more options. The nurse was pretty adamant that I not consider mastectomy in this case, that a lumpectomy would be preferable to reconstruction after mastectomy. I’m not sure if she was pushing a personal bias or not, but it sure felt like it. I still can’t see keeping around tissue that could possibly want to up and try to kill me again later. I think it would be like living with a time bomb in your chest. The thought freaks me out.
After the nurse, I met Dr. Gold. She was very nice and laid back. She went over what Jessica had talked about, while doing an ultrasound. She took the time to answer any and all questions that we had. She didn’t seem to have any problems with my wanting a mastectomy, but suggested that we wait for the test results before making a firm decision. I am willing to hear out all options, but I’m pretty sure I’m still in the pro-mastectomy camp.
So, as of this afternoon, I have an MRI, consults with a radiation oncologist and plastic surgeon scheduled.
Also, I had ordered a few books to help deal with this and the first of them showed up today. It’s the one I got for Connor called “Mom Has Cancer!” by Jennifer Moore-Mallinos. Reading through it, I had a good cry. A natural reaction, I suppose. Even though he & I have talked about what’s going to happen openly, seeing it spelled out on the page was hard. This book is way below his reading level, but I think the difficulty of the material makes the simplicity necessary. I’ll post more books and other resources as I find them.
And remember, you can never say “I love you” to your family too many times. Never. When you part ways, even for a short time, never forget to say it because you just never know...
When I pulled in and parked, I noticed a woman standing outside the front door, smoking a cigarette. What special kind of stupid does that take? *rolls eyes* Anyway, Aaron met me in the parking lot and we went in together. I was happy that he came with me. I have no problems going to see doctors by myself, but it was comforting to have him with me at least for the first appointment.
There was an impatient lady who was complaining about the length of time she had been waiting for the doctor. She was older and there with the Smoking Woman. I didn’t say anything or pay her any mind. It’s my opinion that when you’re dealing with something as traumatic as cancer, you need to cut the doc some slack if she’s running behind. I’m pretty sure that she wasn’t back there painting her nails. If she’s running late because the patient she’s with is falling apart, it wouldn’t do for her to run off to the next appointment, right? At least, I wouldn’t want that to happen to me.
We did finally get called back and the exam room was in shades of purple and gold, very spa-like. I liked it. A young nurse came in who seemed to be in training. She took some of my info & put it into the computer, took my picture and my pulse. Next came the nurse, Jessica, who got right down to business. She started down the list of what I had, the treatments we were going to explore and what each entailed, and some of what was going to come after.
The type of cancer I have is Invasive Lobular Carcinoma which is in Stage 2 and is estrogen positive, progesterone positive, Human Epidermal growth factor Receptor 2 negative, nodal negative. Or to put it another way e+p+HER2/neu-nodal-. That is a lot to take in with a very short sentence! What this means is that this cancer likes to eat female hormones (estrogen and progesterone), that it does *not* have the gene that makes it overproduce quickly, and that it has not reached my lymph nodes yet.
As for treatment options, I had to take a spit test (using Scope!?!?) to check for certain genetic markers. It will take about two weeks for the results to come back. If it comes back positive, having the double mastectomy isn’t even a question, chemo & radiation will be a must, possible removal of my ovaries as well, and I’ll also have to help remind my kids to monitor for this when they grow up. They would be carriers. If it comes back negative, it opens up more options. The nurse was pretty adamant that I not consider mastectomy in this case, that a lumpectomy would be preferable to reconstruction after mastectomy. I’m not sure if she was pushing a personal bias or not, but it sure felt like it. I still can’t see keeping around tissue that could possibly want to up and try to kill me again later. I think it would be like living with a time bomb in your chest. The thought freaks me out.
After the nurse, I met Dr. Gold. She was very nice and laid back. She went over what Jessica had talked about, while doing an ultrasound. She took the time to answer any and all questions that we had. She didn’t seem to have any problems with my wanting a mastectomy, but suggested that we wait for the test results before making a firm decision. I am willing to hear out all options, but I’m pretty sure I’m still in the pro-mastectomy camp.
So, as of this afternoon, I have an MRI, consults with a radiation oncologist and plastic surgeon scheduled.
Also, I had ordered a few books to help deal with this and the first of them showed up today. It’s the one I got for Connor called “Mom Has Cancer!” by Jennifer Moore-Mallinos. Reading through it, I had a good cry. A natural reaction, I suppose. Even though he & I have talked about what’s going to happen openly, seeing it spelled out on the page was hard. This book is way below his reading level, but I think the difficulty of the material makes the simplicity necessary. I’ll post more books and other resources as I find them.
And remember, you can never say “I love you” to your family too many times. Never. When you part ways, even for a short time, never forget to say it because you just never know...
My kids are so smart....
Shawni: Mommy, you have the prettiest hair ever!
Me: Thank you baby... *hugs* Will you still love me even if I lose my hair for a little while?
S: Of course, Mommy... 'Cause then you'll look just like Poppa!
M: *laughs* Yeah, but my hair will come back. It might look a little different, but it will grow back in.
S: But Poppa's won't! I like his head....
Both of my kids are very intuitive. We've always had an open door policy with them. Any question they ever want to ask, we answer as honestly as we can at their level of understanding. My son, Connor, was asking a lot of questions about my upcoming surgery last night. He was asking things that I never even would have considered at 7 years old. Will they leave big holes in my chest where my breasts were? Will I still be a girl?
nd this is just the beginning.... I'm sure the questions will only get more interesting as we go along.
Love to all!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
And so we begin....
It's been a couple of years since I've blogged about anything. I’ve been so wrapped up in Facebook and Twitter, keeping things short & sweet, that I had forgotten what a joy it is to write! I mean, both services are great... Don’t get me wrong! I’ve found family and dear friends and it’s been great to have a chance reconnect with them. But there’s something about getting to put *all* your feelings out there. Sometimes you have to be a little too PC there.
But I want to talk about something today.... Boobies. Yes... Hooters, Ta-tas, pillows, bra buddies, knockers, the twin peaks, cushions, and any of a number of fruit used to describe them. As many of my loved ones know, mine have been the bane of my existence for the last 30 years. I’ve been anywhere from my 40DDD average to a 44H while I was pregnant. I had been trying to get a reduction for 24 of those 30 years with no luck because of insurance company bureaucracy or doctors who were complete asses. I’ve had to deal with teases, taunts, & stares. Nary a man would meet my eyes upon first meeting & I’ve suffered derisive remarks from women who thought I *must’ve* had a boob job for as long as I can remember.
On March 14th, while doing my self-exam, I noticed that something didn’t look right. There was a dimple next to my nipple that had never been there before. Everything else checked out but I thought I should have it looked at anyway, so I called a friend for recommendations and set up an appointment. On the 18th, the day of my physical, I noticed a lump in the shower. I made sure to point it out and I was sent to get my first-ever mammogram on the 23rd and a biopsy on the 24th. The doc who took the biopsy said that the tissue looked “damaged, not like any cancer she’d seen. More like my chest had been hit with something. But let’s wait for the results, just to make sure.” (Paraphrased, of course.) She said that they should have the results by Tuesday, but that I could call by Thursday.
On Thursday, March 31, I called for my results and was told that they couldn’t give the results over the phone, contrary to what I was previously told, and to expect a call from my doctor’s office. My heart was beginning to sink. It wasn’t long before I got the call. They wanted to see me. The nurse gave me nothing. I asked if I should bring my hubby and was told, “Sure... You can bring him along to any appointment anytime you like.” Yes, I was fishing but she was a pro, bless her heart!
On April 1st, I was diagnosed with Lobular Cancer in my left breast. It was no April Fools joke. There were many “I’m sorry”s and “wish I had better news”. I’ve had many a crying jag, with I’m sure many more to come. My husband has been a pillar of strength and love. My kiddos have been real troopers as well. We’ve been doing our best to prepare them for what will be coming. I have been overwhelmed at the response our friends & families have given. They have circled the wagons, taking every opportunity to keep my spirits up. I can’t tell you how loved I feel and I am so, so thankful.
My first appointment with my Oncologist is tomorrow. I’ve had a week to feel sorry for myself and now I’m ready to go to war. My own body has kept me down for decades. This is the straw that broke the camel’s back and I want my life back. I will not abandon my husband and my children! I refuse to go quietly into that good night! I plan on telling her to remove them both. I want to minimize the risk of having to go through this again. I’ll have to see what she says before I plan further than that for now.
Through this blog, I plan on trying to keep you, dear Reader, up to date on my treatment and what’s going on in my life pertaining to this. It’s such a huge thing to deal with and if I can even help one person learn from my experience.. then everything is worth it.
Love to all!
Nikki
But I want to talk about something today.... Boobies. Yes... Hooters, Ta-tas, pillows, bra buddies, knockers, the twin peaks, cushions, and any of a number of fruit used to describe them. As many of my loved ones know, mine have been the bane of my existence for the last 30 years. I’ve been anywhere from my 40DDD average to a 44H while I was pregnant. I had been trying to get a reduction for 24 of those 30 years with no luck because of insurance company bureaucracy or doctors who were complete asses. I’ve had to deal with teases, taunts, & stares. Nary a man would meet my eyes upon first meeting & I’ve suffered derisive remarks from women who thought I *must’ve* had a boob job for as long as I can remember.
On March 14th, while doing my self-exam, I noticed that something didn’t look right. There was a dimple next to my nipple that had never been there before. Everything else checked out but I thought I should have it looked at anyway, so I called a friend for recommendations and set up an appointment. On the 18th, the day of my physical, I noticed a lump in the shower. I made sure to point it out and I was sent to get my first-ever mammogram on the 23rd and a biopsy on the 24th. The doc who took the biopsy said that the tissue looked “damaged, not like any cancer she’d seen. More like my chest had been hit with something. But let’s wait for the results, just to make sure.” (Paraphrased, of course.) She said that they should have the results by Tuesday, but that I could call by Thursday.
On Thursday, March 31, I called for my results and was told that they couldn’t give the results over the phone, contrary to what I was previously told, and to expect a call from my doctor’s office. My heart was beginning to sink. It wasn’t long before I got the call. They wanted to see me. The nurse gave me nothing. I asked if I should bring my hubby and was told, “Sure... You can bring him along to any appointment anytime you like.” Yes, I was fishing but she was a pro, bless her heart!
On April 1st, I was diagnosed with Lobular Cancer in my left breast. It was no April Fools joke. There were many “I’m sorry”s and “wish I had better news”. I’ve had many a crying jag, with I’m sure many more to come. My husband has been a pillar of strength and love. My kiddos have been real troopers as well. We’ve been doing our best to prepare them for what will be coming. I have been overwhelmed at the response our friends & families have given. They have circled the wagons, taking every opportunity to keep my spirits up. I can’t tell you how loved I feel and I am so, so thankful.
My first appointment with my Oncologist is tomorrow. I’ve had a week to feel sorry for myself and now I’m ready to go to war. My own body has kept me down for decades. This is the straw that broke the camel’s back and I want my life back. I will not abandon my husband and my children! I refuse to go quietly into that good night! I plan on telling her to remove them both. I want to minimize the risk of having to go through this again. I’ll have to see what she says before I plan further than that for now.
Through this blog, I plan on trying to keep you, dear Reader, up to date on my treatment and what’s going on in my life pertaining to this. It’s such a huge thing to deal with and if I can even help one person learn from my experience.. then everything is worth it.
Love to all!
Nikki
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