When? What do you mean WHEN???

It's been about 6 weeks since my last post, so I figure it's time for another update.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I know some folks probably think I'm overly sentimental about this, but every holiday I do get very emotional. That one little niggling thought pops up every single time - "I almost wasn't here for this." And then I lose it. I'm hoping it will pass eventually, maybe with a few more holidays under my belt. I just know that every holiday, every special occasion, every day for that matter, is precious to me now.

I had a quick check-up with Jessica at Dr. Gold's again. At a visit with one of my other doctors recently, he told me "And when the cancer comes back..." Yes. He used the word WHEN. No, he didn't misspeak. He said it again when I called him on it! I told Jessica about it and let her know that I was glad I was warned about his bedside manner, but that it still worried me. She was appalled that he said that and did a great job reassuring me about Dr. Gold's work. She even triple-checked me during the exam to ease my mind. I love going to their office!

My tummy troubles have been a lot better since I wrote last. I tried to go off the Prilosec once my prescription ran out again but it didn't work out. I may just have to accept the fact that the chemo messed up my stomach and that I'll have to take medicine for it to be "normal". At least things are starting to taste good again. I'm still on Ativan for the time being. The hormonal ups & downs from the Tamoxifen were causing some depression, so my doc has me taking it once a day to even me out.  Other than that, I'm taking supplements and eating more things with probiotics to improve my overall health - Ginko Biloba to help with the chemo brain. Kefir, kombucha tea, yogurt and homemade sauerkraut to help with my digestion issues. The new foods taste great! Time will tell how they are working.

I've recently been taking my mom to diabetes nutrition classes. One of the classes covered the medical side of the condition and one of the things I noticed was how many of the side effects of diabetes were so very much like being on chemo. One of the side effects mentioned was autonomic neuropathy. I had neuropathy of my hands & feet while I was taking chemo, but I had never heard that term before. Unlike the kind of neuropathy that I had, this can affect the heart, lungs, or stomach. Not that I'm self-diagnosing, but I think it might be worth asking if something like that could be the cause of some of my tummy trouble. The side effects are very similar to what I'm experiencing! If so, how do we test for it, and is there is any therapy to correct it?

Next Saturday is the survivor ceremony & breakfast at our town's Relay for Life. I really enjoyed the experience last year and I may this year as well but.... Part of me is really hesitant about going. I'm not big about putting my emotions on display. I have no difficulty writing about my feelings, but I don't cry pretty. There's a reason I don't go to chick flicks or Disney movies in public anymore! I think the Relay is a wonderful way to raise funds for cancer research. I know that many folks get great therapy from relating their stories and listening to the stories of others. I'm just trying to move myself past this and I'm really scared that going will be more like picking the scab off the wound for me rather than the healing that others get out of it. I keep going back and forth about it. I guess I'll just have to see how I'm doing the day of the event.

I guess that's about it for now. I'll post more once I go to my next doc appointment and get a chance to ask some questions. Love to all! <3